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I just have to stay strong, but I may be going insane again. It is so hard. I don't even know what is happening. I fee like I am hanging over a a hill. I keep aksing mysefl wheather or not I did something wrong. I tried so hard and I got the worst. Nothing has a value to me that is greater. I am so hopeless and worthless. I can't stop thinking about it. I keep comming back to that feeling and it won't go away. I can't move on. I don't know if I can live this way.

新年博客

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回首2008真是波澜壮阔，在国际国内的大环境下，年尾家里也并不平静。

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受奥巴马的‘变化’(Change) 论调影响，敦敦求变心切，自作主张在学校，用文具剪刀把高领毛衣剪成无领毛衣，那件毛衣很贵，儿子斩而不奏的潇洒，差点没把他老妈的眼球气出来。不破不立，多亏邻居阿姨帮忙把毛衣修成了低领毛衣，敦敦穿起来舒服美观。看来搞体制改革不能犹豫，想到了就要去做，只要大方向对头，该杀该砍的，忍痛手起刀落，完成止血和调养伤口的善后就能享受改革的成果了。

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小猫乐肥最近听到国际金融危机的新闻铺天盖地，感到扩大内需是条路，为了挽救全球经济，从自己做起，采用‘猫科技’挠开用绳子系好的储物室的门跳进猫的饼干袋子，弘扬超前消费，把今天和明天的饭一块吃完，大餐之后，肥肚浪荡，今朝有酒今朝醉，不求天长地久，但求曾经腹鼓。这超离谱的举动严重违背家规，没想到在遭到一顿‘毒打’后，乐肥在第二天还是铤而走险，故伎重演，以身试法。

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人也有动物的本性，表现在乐肥的偷食模式，不断重复本能驱使下的非理性行为。环球金融危机的周期性是人类贪婪的本性决定的。危机来了人类还会利用自我保护的本能熬过去。但并不会永远记得教训，一个周期后人类还会故伎重演。既然高级动物人类尚且如此，我们还真怪不得小猫乐肥，要怪只能怪猫饼干的味道简直是太诱惑了。

this year i'm going to get my self a life no more sitting home alone if thry can have social lives then so can i .ehy should my life be just sitting waiting for them to come home lets see how they like not knowing when i'm coming home well i will always tell my son but as for the other half then he can guess .the way i have to guess when he's coming in .boots on the other foot now .

Spoke to him, this morning, wasnt himself. Seemed a bit�sullen �asked was it me, he said no, he didnt want to expound so� I backed off. However I would like to� be aware of whatever is going on with him, after all this is how he is with me. If he thinks something is off kilter with me, he will keep digging til� he finds the source of my agitation. I didnt pry any further, he didnt want to share,whatever. Guess when he's ready he will talk about it.

�We briefly� talked about our upcoming event, were ready. Iam feel a bit nervous, This can be likened to free falling with out��the�safety of a parachute . Hope this doesnt hurt too bad, I expect a few bumps and bruises :but a fractured heart is unacceptable. It would take to long to recover. Have decided not to text him, dont want to smother him. I understand he is a man with many chores.

He is the man I dreamnt about prayed about cried about. I was in the lowest place in my life when he came along. I was exiting a deep pit of sadness, coupled with sucidal ideations. It wasnt too long ago that� I was laying on the couch contemplating checking out. Crying questioning God why.... why so much hurt, lonliness, emptiness. I didnt think I could go on another day, I was slowly yielding to a somber demise by my own hands. Then out of nowhere he found me, called me revived�/ pumped� hope into my necrotic�heart.�� Taking a nostalgic look on this past year� and the events that occured says that Iam a survivor! I made it!

I cant wait till its spring! I am so sick of all the snow and it being cold all the time. Because when its spring I will get to ride My horse Sonnys Zippo (Sonny) in shows and and do more traveling with him. Plus this year My parents are putting me on the rodeo circut and go to more speed events at Triple O and tear apart my new age gruop and show �'em what I've got! Cause my horse Sonny is a National Barrel Racer. And last summer/fall I was running barrel times of 16.82 seconds, key hole times of 7.032 seconds, and for pole bending I was running at a time of 22.85 seconds. I know they may not sound fast but when you listin to the other riders times in my previouse level and my level now I am one of the fastest. Also, Im the fastest rider in my county so thats pretty good, So Im just hoping that I will be as succesful as I was last year!

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�I wont be going to church as planned, my sister was going to watch my kids while I went but she got pissed off. Her son tried to hump on my daughter her kids are just plain fucking nasty, I told x.e. not to ever be alone with them they always try this shit. It makes me� feel very uncomfortable to know my� neice are nephews got issues like this. I beat x.e. I told her to tell an adult but she rarely does why i dont know. she better not ever let me catch her alone with anyone especially them. So ruth beat her son not that it mattered, then left to get on the bus. It is sad� that I�have to watch every move her children make. They have no respect at all for anyone else's property, their whole motivation is to break my kids shit up. I guess they feel that they dont have anything so why should anyone else. Not that my kids have it made they dont� have alot, yet I insists they take care of the material things they possess. Her kids kick her, push her when they dont get their way, if it goes to the extreme I will address it. They arent my kids so what the fuck ya know. Dj is still up begging for shit , he wants to wait til it is bed time to tell me he is starving but aint going for that mess tonight. Contemplated going to church tonight but,� cant/dont trust daniel alone� for� sixty seconds. He is always trying to weasel his way out of his chores Iam not going to let him manipulate me!� I just want to be alone with the phone, takling to my man. He made me smile earlier as we chatted while he� had a few mintues before his service started. I told him if I was going to� church I need to put some make up on, his reply was that I was�beautiful and� didnt need any enhancement. (my sister and her terrible 2 r back she claims I gave her the wrong� bus schedule information, well she just called a cab which stated they will be here in 10 to 15 minutes. I pray to God they hurry up� and leave, I need my space right now fo real). Pardon me for digressing,� back to what was on my mind. Looking forward to conversing with my man til one or both of us fall asleep. It is the next best thing to� being with him. There are some days when I want� him so bad omg!� Closeness is what I need ,would like to hear him snoring in my ear, or� watch him as he falls off to sleep with me laying nearby.� For now a phone call a� text will hav to suffice.

Betcha he is going to be tired when he comes from the service.�Kind of worried about things that have� yet to come, like the time away from home he will be spending. Maybe this is god's way of preparing me, sometimes I cry silently because I long for him. He is not cognizant of this and prefer to keep it that way. Dont want him to feel like he has to choose, or that I am needy or cant handle the situation.��Tthe fact that he travels� alone, (sleeping in hotels)extensivley makes me uneasy.� Those holy whores whom god is in� constant commune with�probably be on him like flies on shit! I�am going to adapt a tough skin ,I must� as well as�pray fervently that god continues to be the glue/substance that keeps us faithful to each other. This is about all one can do given the circumstances.

�Damn is all� I can say, Cant get enough of him sure the feeling is reciprocal.� It is� hard to be this so far away from him. When that date in january comes I m going to feel such relief. We havent discussed future plans but I plan to leave all of this behind and dont look back! The only thing I will be taking is our clothes. I have a funny feeling that he is going to suprise me in some way when� I get there. Yesterday I got my birth certificate and today Iam going to dmv� to get my picture id. I need to wash clothes so we can have something clean to wear.� I thought he was broke but I found the antihesis to be true, he never brags. yet� hes is doing well for himself, I gather he didnt tell me about� his financial status because he want to be assured that I wasnt after money. I am not� concerned about his income, because I am going to have my own. I talked to him about my� plan to write a book, he is very business minded as well as smart. Quite suprising, to know he is knowledgeable about many different topics. I dont ever want to be anywhere else than with him, by his side in his bed in his head especially. Iam going to write the book and it wont be my only one he is going to help my dreams become a vibrant reality. He worries about the fact that I feel unworthy, he should be concerned. This is how I feel I asked him what did I do to deserve this, cant remember what verbatim he said but it was good.

We talk about everything, no holds barred what I like most is his openess and his unbiased nature. Looking forward to�starting college. Iam going to look on the internet for a ghost writer. He said something to me in regards to why I have been able to start my book LTHB that makes sense. I cant or write about something I have yet to experience.

I've got TONS of goals for 2009!� My main fitness goal is to lose approximately 40 pounds of fat, re-gain some of the muscle I lost while pregnant, and compete in IDFA's Toronto Classic on July 11 with my best body yet!� I've lost about 35 pounds since I had my baby at the end of August without really trying (a mixture of not having time to eat all day because I'm so busy with him, breastfeeding, and not hanging out at restaurants so much), I've been teaching my dance and exercise classes, walking a lot (it's too hard to get on streetcars with a big stroller), and getting down to the gym a bit, but thus far�my fitness efforts have�been pretty sporadic and lazy in my mind... which is fine - I don't mind that I gave myself a few months to re-adjust my new life as a mom�without throwing myself right back into super- workout-girl-mode as soon as I got home from the hospital.� But, now It think it's time to get crazy!!!� I've set a very reasonable goal of competing in July, so I have 7 months to get ripped!� I'm so excited about getting more serious about my training (and less excited about super clean eating).� Now I just have to decide if I'm going to compete in fitness or figure... Getting� a fitness routine together now that I've been out of the scene for so long may be challenging, but I might try!� I'll keep you posted!� HAPPY NEW YEAR!